Divorce Is Not The End, But A New Beginning
“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another,” Toni Morrison
DIVORCE IS THE PITS…FOR NOW
The Holmes-Rahe Stress Scale indicates that DIVORCE is the second highest stressor for humans, second only to the death of a spouse. Most people who have not walked this path cannot imagine the pain of a divorce. The feelings and emotions of fear, rejection, shame, guilt, anger…just to name a few can be overwhelming. It changes your landscape forever…the extended family dynamic changes, friends may feel like they have to take sides…the ripple effect goes on and on.
Let’s be honest…no one likes to talk about divorce. Going through a divorce, working full time, and staying above the stress is hard and you may feel like you are going crazy. So, if you find yourself on this path, give yourself grace. You don’t have to have it all figured out today.
Divorce can sometimes feel like the end of your life. It is not; it is the end of your marriage. It means it may be the end of how you thought your life would play out, financial security as you know it today, the family unit, sharing your life with someone, or the dream of “happily ever after” when you said, “I do.” But the end of your life? NO. On the flip side, divorce can be YOUR opportunity to transform your life and future in a positive way. It is an opportunity to redesign YOUR life.
You’re going to be okay and you’re going to get thru it. It will take time, but with each day, the rejection and pain will be further away from the memory. One day, you will realize the deep pain once associated with the memory is no longer intense and all-consuming. You are YOU again.
“They Didn’t Grow Apart, They Stopped Growing Together”
I recently sat down with Kathey Batey, well-known author, divorce mediator, and life coach (among many hats she wears). She has a heart for those who find themselves on this divorce path. Below I share short videos from our conversation about the divorce process.
In this short video, Kathey Batey explains the four stages of divorce. You can learn more about the four stages in her book “Divorce Support Anonymous” or go to: Divorce Support Anonymous
DON’T GO THROUGH IT ALONE
Whether you are being served with divorce papers or you are the one serving the divorce papers, don’t go through it alone. Why? Just like we mentioned in the first paragraph, divorce is a high stressor. You are operating on a very small percentage of mental and emotional capacity (about 5%) and you have to start making life-long decisions during this time. Your body is operating on adrenaline and emotion. Having a counselor, life coach, or one good friend walking alongside you during this time, will keep you from comparing your divorce journey to someone else’s.
Kathey Batey shares why grief is critical and beneficial to you in the divorce process.
Grief is not a linear journey, it is messy!
As you lean into the grief process, you will experience emotional healing, but you have to go through them. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may experience one or all of the stages and they are not in any order. The following graph is more of a humorous perspective. Some days you feel a little “all over the place” and other days are more settled. It is normal and okay to feel this way, but don’t go through it alone.
Remember, just because your marriage ended, doesn’t mean you are a failure. It takes a level of courage to come to the realization the marriage is broken and no amount of super glue is going to fix it.
BE THE CEO OF YOUR DIVORCE
Don’t drop your divorce off into someone else’s lap. You wouldn’t hand over your bank account to your financial adviser and say, “here’s my money, take it and invest it” and not be involved. Don’t do the same with your divorce. Even with the stress, you need to be in the driver’s seat. Your attorney is there to walk you through the legal process, but they are not your counselor. Divorce is more than a legal process, it is a major life transition with many complexities. As the CEO of our divorce, you need to build your team: Life Coach or Counselor, Attorney, Divorce Financial Advisor. You don’t know what you don’t know, so design your team to help you make those major decisions that ultimately affect you and your children… now and into the future. Friends and family may want to give you advice, but they are equipped to love you and support you, but they are not qualified to navigate your divorce process.
How to Move Forward Emotionally After A Divorce
What does the relationship with your former spouse look like after divorce? Why is it so important for YOU to heal after a divorce? How does your personal healing affect you and other relationships? Learn more in this short video with Kathey Batey.
Kathey Batey shares “What is on the other side is a beautiful life. But it takes intentional design, it takes courage and risk. This is the time to reconnect with your dreams and believe that your life is not meant to be reacted to but journeyed through. And yes, anything is possible. They just can't see it now. Divorce can be a place you are stuck at or a place you can launch from. It has been my privilege to guide them through the transition watching them become empowered to a new and rich life.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON KATHEY BATEY:
Divorce Support Anonymous - YouTube Channel Website - Kathey Batey
