How to Create Healthy Boundaries - Not A Fortress
“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.” Lorraine Nilon
Boundaries Not Fortresses
Your boundaries are a form of self-care, and we should proactively look for ways to incorporate them into our lives just like we do with eating right and working out. It might take time as you self-evaluate so you can decipher and create the boundaries most important to you, and how you want to implement them while you keep communication open to others. In time, as you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you will notice self-limiting beliefs, feelings of resentment, shame/blame, unresolved anger, comparison, and other toxic things no longer impacting and controlling your mindset, emotions, and life! You WILL notice more peace, contentment, confidence, and a healthy mindset resonating within and around you. However, when you build a boundary like a solid wall or fortress (and you will picture that in your mind as you create it), you will keep others out and keep yourself locked in so you cannot grow and heal. You can create safe boundaries for yourself, and still interact with others while you grow and heal.
“Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space.” Asa Don Brown
10 Words = Healthy Boundaries
How do you stay healthy? Watch what you eat… Work out… Create a positive mindset? Did you know that living with healthy boundaries in your life is another way to stay healthy? Just like you get to choose healthy habits, YOU GET to choose healthy boundaries. So how do you create healthy boundaries without building a fortress around yourself? Let’s start with WORDS.
Choose 10 words you identify with that embodies the type of energy you want to see showing up each day as your healthy boundaries. (you can choose words like courageous, adventurous, brave, beautiful, creative, faith, hope, resilient, assertive, funny, bold, imaginative, and so on.) Your 10 words will be life-changing to your mindset, feelings, reactions, and actions. You will create a new space to step into each day and then impart the energy of those 10 words onto others through the fabric of your boundaries.
What are your 10 words? Be creative and have fun with this project.
Boundaries = Your Message
A healthy boundary works for you, not against you. You are sending a message when you establish your boundaries.
Message #1…you are establishing what is important to you and discovering who you are.
Message #2…you are now sharing message #1 with your world.
You don’t need to hold up a sign about your boundaries. How you show up each day in your space is your sign and your message! What is the message of your boundaries?
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” Brené Brown,
Boundaries Are Liberating
Do you want to feel free and liberated? How can boundaries be liberating? Because it puts you in control of what you can control – YOU.
Years ago, when we were training our dogs to stay within our property line we used an invisible fence. A wire was buried underground and we placed boundary flags around the yard to help our dogs remember the location of their boundary. If our dogs went past the flag, they felt a vibration or shock via a collar. It reminds them that they have reached the limits of their boundary. Eventually, they were able to recall the boundary without needing a visual cue.
Sounds like our personal boundaries. We remind ourselves and others every day where our boundaries are. That is liberating because your voice is heard and you are seen! It is a win-win for you. When we stop yielding to the opinion of others, beating ourselves up with shame and blame, and believing those self-limiting beliefs (to name a few), we start to open the doors to feeling liberated.
Balanced Boundaries
By setting healthy and balanced boundaries you can limit your exposure to stress and your body’s production of adrenaline and cortisol. It protects your mental well-being! You get to decide what your mindset will be, what you will feel, and what actions you will take. Balanced boundaries provide a safe space for you.
Rigid boundaries, you may:
keep others at a distance
seem detached, even with intimate partners
have few close relationships
avoid close relationships
Lack of boundaries, you may:
be led by others’ opinions
find it difficult to say “no” to others
seek to please others for fear of rejection
blame yourself for everything
Balanced boundaries, you may:
lead others with your strength
change the atmosphere around you with your energy
become more resilient and steadfast
experience more peace and confidence
THIS I KNOW… put the mask on yourself first!
I believe your boundaries will move and change throughout your life and they should. It shows signs of growth and confidence in yourself. Once you see the positive effects of certain boundaries, you don’t have to watch them as closely because they are now part of you and are seamless. Like muscle memory with your body. You can breathe and move freely…not watching over your shoulder all the time. Some boundaries may stay close to your sleeve in the beginning, but over time, they move further out because you trust yourself.
Isaiah 54:3 “You will extend your boundaries on all sides…”
